Husband of 20 years diagnosed with mid-stage Alzheimer's but we have ownly been roommates for 20 years due to money problems I need help...

Hi,

I am a 66 yearold woman that never gets accused of being that "old" - I am lucky to have high energy, incredible memory and hearing. My husband is 74 but has been declining memory and hygiene, never speaks or starts a conversation. Nothing. This has been going on for 5-6 years, now getting worse the last 2 years. I have dealt with severe depression and I have 6 months with new medication and finally feeling good about myself. Problem is I don't feel the "until death do us part" mentality because we are only together due to lies that I believed and then no finanacial stability to live apart. I feel dead and he acts like a zombie - except he is oriented - knows who I am, etc. Does anybody ever think about their quality of life instead of the Alzheimer's disease and how to cope with a spouse but nothing about - MY LIFE - his family who has tons of money has said they will not help and I have no family so I have no friends or family. I want to move on, can't afford to not have his social security check, don't feel love for him he is just a familiar face. I empathize deeply for him but it's a tough job with his denial and combative behavior or spends all day on porno or singles sites - I don't care but I need some insight into what other people are going through with a spouse that has never been more than a roommate - in every way. Thanks, Sheri

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  • This is sooo hard to deal with. I just turned 65 a few days ago and I also retired from the Teamster Union recently also and always had plans on traveling with my wife after I retired but now thats all went up in smoke. We do so much for our spouse that sometimes we forget about ourselves. I live in the Northwest on what some people say is a very nice property which i really like doing the yard work. I can relate to what you are saying even though my love for my wife is still there I know what the future is because my mom had Alzheimer"s and I had to watch her dwindle away till my dad had to put her in a nursing home. All my wife wants to do is set in her lounge chair and play games on her lap top and read facebook. I sold my touring Harley Davidson motorcycle cause it was to big of a bike just for me to ride locally around on and sold our cabin which had a fantastic view of the pacific ocean because I was the only one going there and I really do not like being alone. But now I feel like i am alone in my own house. I did go out and buy a sports car a month ago for my birthday and plan on going back to Wisconsin for two weeks this summer which apparently will be doing it by myself cause she dosnt want to leave the house. My 2 kids and grand kids live back there and I havent seen them for about 5 years so im pretty excited about it. I do not know you except for what I have read but I felt like I had to write to you just so you know that your not alone. You can message me back if you like anytime. Depression is a dark place to go so if I can shine alittle light i be happy to. Take Care of yourself, Mike mcasper139@yahoo.com

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      • sheri_and_kids
      • 2 wk ago
      • Reported - view

      Michael Casper 

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      • sheri_and_kids
      • 2 wk ago
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      Sheri Lynne Heinmiller 

      I wrote you a lot but I don't think I did it correctly - hope you will find it. Sheri

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  • My wife was told she had dementia year ago after a lot of testing but she also has depression but that’s manageable with medication but medication for dementia is a toss up if it works or not so my wife decided not to take any because of her medication for depression the side effects could be fatal. She can’t talk very well because she has to think about every word she chooses that’s only been in the last few months  and it’s getting worse. 

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      • sheri_and_kids
      • 2 wk ago
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      Michael Casper 

      Don doesn't  talk at all so who knows what is worse

      Have a good weekend

      Take care,  Sheri

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  • Ok, Sheri let’s begin with how to deal with this on your mental health side of things. Not everyone is capable of caring for dementia/Alzheimer’s people that’s just a fact. If this is you do not feel guilty because I know many mentally fit strong humans who cant hang with it so it’s OK. Now it seems in your case you need the social security as many do when a spouse dies. You don’t have to stay and don’t have to divorce either. You can also apple for IHSS which will pay you or someone else to help you. But if you choose to stay and care for your husband you don’t have to like him, love him or anything else. But you'll need to come at this from an entirely different angle in the form of compassion, integrity, and dignity. Doesn’t matter if you like someone what matters is that you have compassion for another human being in their time of need. I always say take the train back to reality when needed. Which means retreat to alone time or something you enjoy before your at your ropes end that day. Then reset and tackle again. Your body language and mood mean everything and set the tone of the day as Alzheimer’s and dementia read these two thing when language becomes more difficult.  I wouldn’t worry about the porn and crap because you can change the direction and memory of these things as time goes on and you can eliminate it completely as I have done with my father in-law,  they are completely different people as time goes on but always remember they have no agenda, and never think they are doing it on purpose, planning or anything, just let your these thoughts move through your mind and straight out, they mean nothing.  Your a good person, I know you are or you wouldn’t be here. 

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      • sheri_and_kids
      • 10 days ago
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      Debbie Anon 

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      • sheri_and_kids
      • 10 days ago
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      Sheri Lynne Heinmiller Debbie Anon 

      Don't know quite how to reply on this forum but thanks for your support. He is just so combative, as i said has bitten me, thankless and thinks it's nothing more than a bed and breakfast around here. I am so emotionally drained and at 66 thought I could find someone that actually cares as he has never been the person he "presented" 20 years ago - roommates is not a marriage. No physical interaction of any kind in 22 years and I don't have that much time myself. I am lucky to be energetic and have my two dogs to live for but was hoping to live not exist. Don has been on the decline for 6 years and then really declining the last 2 years. Won't take his meds - he says he doesn't have any problems, wears diapers and takes a shower maybe every month. I don't love him and we have never been married more than a piece of paper based on his lies. I feel dead and I don't why I get a death sentence taking care of person that doesn't speak, chooses not to hear and NEVER gives me any support. He can't even take care of the two dogs when I go somewhere. Have no money to put him somewhere so I guess it's over for me and he has his life made for him. No responsibilities no worries gives me nothing but trouble and this happened BEFORE he was diagnosed with mid-stage Alzheimer's. I feel drained, depressed and hopeless.

      Thanks again for writing.  Sheri

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      • sheri_and_kids
      • 10 days ago
      • Reported - view

      Debbie Anon wrote you above Debbie but apparently did it wrong - Hope you get it

      Thanks, Sheri

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