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Take your client out for a walk each day and their dog too. And have scents, spices, & music that is familiar with their culture out a few hours during each day, it breaks the day up with pleasantness for everyone. Include your client in light conversations, it enables them to be engaged and feel safe, occasionally bring little gifts, and leave treats in near unexpected places. In the native american community people often adopt an elder person and come to visit as family and paying it forward and keeping the community strong.
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Nancy Brooke Mathers My Mother is not walking now for some reason she just stop and took to the bed. I would love to put her in the wheel chair and take out strolling just to enjoy the sunshine. I know she would love it but it is so hard for me along to safely move her from the bed to chair. So I make the time worth our visit by talking to her, singing and asking her questions to see how she response and watch the expression on her face.
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Lots of great ideas. Unfortunately, my family member can barely take 1/2 step now & we still hold him up to walk from bed to chair & back several times a day. We leave music on most of the day and talk to him as if he does understand everything, although sometimes I'm sure he doesn't. He talks some, not conversations, just comments. And when he says, "I love you, baby", that makes my day and still pulls me down to him for a sweet kiss. Hold onto everything dear and don't let go for as long as you can.
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Carolyn Cox My mother is bed bound and we try to put on familiar music for her to reminisce for her generation. Some days she remembers more than others, but she always taps her foot when the music is on. We alternate that with watching movies; generally something bright because she cant follow the story line well anymore. She enjoys Rio, Ice Age; and most anything with dancing, children, or animals. She has stuffed animals that she "works" on as well (this gives her something to do with her hands) since she was a seamstress, craftier, all around do it yourself-er. And you are right, always talk to them as if they understand everything, because most of the time they do, they just can't articulate back. I also love the days when I get kisses! All the Best.
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DARLENE HERPS My mother is also bed bound and I try to visit her weekly she is 95 and she love for you to talk to her as an adult. Do not sugar coat the conservation with her this is her time she can communicate with you and response back like an adult from Harvard.
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One of the hints I learned is never to argue with them. They know what stage of life they are at in any time frame. They must always be right.
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Bonnie Ruhoff
Yes. Don't argue. I try to tell myself that I don't have to be right. I let her calm down and then go back and get her to laugh. I keep thinking how it would feel knowing your mind was going.
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My husband thought the man in the mirror was another person & he talked to him quite regularly. One day I stood behind him, he looked at me then saw me in the mirror. I explained that is me in the mirror beside him and that is him in the mirror. He looked back & forth several times & actually "got it" for the moment.
The man in the mirror put bad ideas in his head, such as someone was trying to get him. I covered the mirrors & solved that issue. He was more calm after not getting bad advice anymore.
And, yes, you are 100% right on the money. No amount of disagreement can convince a dementia patient that what they think is not true. The best thing to do is try to change the subject to get their mind away from anxious thoughts.
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The best thing we came across to help us out with a parent who has this was a support group in our local church.
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Toni Irvine Don't know how I could cope without my "circle of strength." Our senior center has organized support groups all over the county. They are wonderful. If one is a caregiver, one NEEDS support of all kinds. Just being with others who share the same situations for an hour or two every week or every month is such a huge blessing.
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Bonnie Ruhoff said:
They know what stage of life they are at in any time frame. They must always be right.Oh boy...this is SO true! I like the way you worded it, though...your thoughts traveled from my head to my heart. It has changed my behavior, which is the only thing I can change around here! Now, where's that duct tape, so I can keep my lips sealed?
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Leslie Menges Oh my God So So True. As I set and watch my mother who is a godly person one who loves the Lord and her church. I love the word her thoughts traveled from my head to my heart all I can say is Thank you JESUS!!! this is how I make it threw the day when we are together.
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Leslie Menges I’m just starting this adventure with my husband and been thinking that kindly and simply telling him the truth was a good thing. NOT !
I can relate to “where’s the Duct Tape” ! 😂
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Nancy Rogers
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Nancy Rogers
A friend helped me with the idea of ‘compassionate deception’ and ‘therapeutic fibbing,’ when she said, “ if telling them the truth gets them anxious, upset...even combative, why would we do that? Just work within their world, and carry on in yours!” Ive repeated that many times; not only to others, but to myself too!
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The one thing I was most proud of in regards to my participation in my mother's life who had dementia, was about twice a week I would take her for rides through the country. We would start at McDonalds, get a large strawberry milkshake, then I would travel back roads that would circle around lakes or climb into mountains...inevitably something of interest would flash before us, deer, wild turkeys, horses, cows, goats, beautiful scenery. The thing was, it was a pleasure for both of us.
In addition, I always had a personal goal of my own on these excursions like eventually getting to a store where I needed something. Sometimes mom would wait in the car, or sometimes she would sit on a bench watching the bustle of customers inside the store. I often brought back a little block of cheese with crackers and she would munch happily on our return trip back to her assisted living home. My love for my mom deepened with these trips.
The beauty of these excursions is there is no need to feel you have to engage your loved one while you are with them. The passing scenery is the engagement. Conversation that does arise is usually effortless because my mother's concerns were brought up within the flow of her stream of consciousness, not mine. She would talk for awhile and eventually meander off to view the scenery or sip her drink.
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Greg Miner Yes I do agree with you my mother love the ride in the country site seeing and I really enjoy the ride and the time with her. She loves to have lunch at Burger King and always let's go to Dairy Queen for a milkshake. I love her sweet spirit.
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Greg Miner I love your story about your mom. I just found out I have moderate dementia and Im scared of my future.
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good ideas
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A book " I Can't Fix It by Alan Martin " Really helped me survive caregiving my wife
with Alzheimer's for 15 years. It will help you too. Search Amazon, Bookrix and others.
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I take care of my mom full time. I take my mom out with me when the weather is nice we live in Arizona. The weather is nice here most of the time. When it's cold outside I'll do the cooking. Mom will look outside at the cars and people sometime show underlying magazines. When it's nice out I'll take her to the senior citizen place and have lunch with her and she enjoys talking and seeing everyone there. I keep her busy I take her to the malls I take her out to eat. I take her to the tailgate parties the football games. I'll take her to the Kingdom Hall where everyone loves to come up and visit with her and she really enjoys it. I take care of my mom 24 hours a day. I had her in a Skilled Nursing Facility also known as a nursing home she got three bed sores it took me a over a year to get rid of them. I promise I would never send your back I'm so thankful she doesn't have any bed sores yes I do get up and turn her every couple of hours at night keep her clean it's a full-time job.
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Terry Saragosa
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ann lavigne Hi Terry. I was just thinking about how exhausted you must be all the time. I hope you get a little time to yourself, just to relax or do something enjoyable. Your mom is very lucky to have you.
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Terry Saragosa I just looked up bed sore prevention. They have air mattress that rotate the pressure and you just put it over her mattress and it comes with a pump. They are about $70-$100. This might allow you to get a full nights rest and help put your mind at ease.
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Gina Boyd
yes I bought alternating air bubble mattress topper head to toe length and it’s good, even the visiting home health nurse for my mom love it!
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I take care of my mom full time. I take my mom out with me when the weather is nice we live in Arizona. The weather is nice here most of the time. When it's cold outside I'll do the cooking. Mom will look outside at the cars and people sometime show underlying magazines. When it's nice out I'll take her to the senior citizen place and have lunch with her and she enjoys talking and seeing everyone there. I keep her busy I take her to the malls I take her out to eat. I take her to the tailgate parties the football games. I'll take her to the Kingdom Hall where everyone loves to come up and visit with her and she really enjoys it. I take care of my mom 24 hours a day. I had her in a Skilled Nursing Facility also known as a nursing home she got three bed sores it took me a over a year to get rid of them. I promise I would never send your back I'm so thankful she doesn't have any bed sores yes I do get up and turn her every couple of hours at night keep her clean it's a full-time job.
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ann lavigne
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My mom is in a wheelchair I get her up with the Hoyer lift everyday. It's hard taking care of family members twenty-four hours a day. Mom gets a lot of UTIs she was in the hospital 4 times in a month and a half UTIs in the pneumonia I stay with her in the hospital to reassure her everything is okay she'll ask me can they draw blood can they take my vitals and I'll say yes they can do it. My mom loves stuffed animals so I have one with her everywhere we go. I don't know what else to say just if possible have them stay with you at the home if she would have been in a nursing home she would have never lasted as long as she has. Mom's 86 years old now. As long as she's well she still has a smile on her face and happy to be out she might not be able to talk much. But when she sees a familiar place she's all right now where we're going then she gets all happy. Thank you
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There are several blogs you can be a part of and they really give the caregiver support so they can continue to care for their loved one. There are also hints and tips there to physical care, emotional care, and financial care for those that are just starting on this journey. This trip will definitely make you stronger and there are days you just have to hold on. You will have to try, try, try, because you will be tested when applying for assistance of any kind. Keep at it and eventually you will succeed.
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Hospice care was and is my saving grace. People think hospice is for dying and to an extent it is. .. but it has added quality and help to my mom's well being during her dementia stage. Check with your local agency and see if they can help.
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God bless the caregivers. This is a noble undertaking.
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Make sure your loved one is well hydrated. Don't ask them if they want a drink, but get it and offer it to them often. It goes a long way in keeping them healthier and the UTIs down.
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My dad has mid-stage Parkinson's dementia and he WON'T DRINK!! His blood pressure is chronically very low even with meds & he's always tired but says he's always been a 'sipper.' I want to SCREAM! When his physical therapist comes over he drinks for them, saying he has to because they are professionals. His dr.'s tell him to drink & he says he will but he doesn't. I give him Jello, soup, popscicles. Example: he takes 3 lrg capsules & 2 tabs & a gelcap at lunch and will wash it down with literally less than a Tbsp. of water. I offer all kinds of drinks & no difference. I'm lucky if he gets 10 oz.'s most days. He's had 2 kidney infections land him in hospitals in less than a year, February stay was followed with a month at a rehab hospital. He got IV fluids there & did great. Now he's going down hill again. He's weak & fell 3x this past weak. HOW DO I GET FLUIDS IN HIM???
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Ask his Doctor if he can order 2 IV fluids every week. The Doctor will probably put in a pick line for your dad so it will stay in so they can just put the fluids in faster. Also you can ask if the physical therapist can come out twice a week to give him fluids to drink. Talk to his Doctor and ask if someone can come in and help him out with eating and drinking sometimes volunteers can come in and help you out as well. They could say You’re Doctor order this and I am here to help you. Sometimes you’re dad may listen to someone else too drunk or eat. I hope this will help you out.
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Terry Saragosa I'll do that. Thank you!
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Angela Adamcik A couple of my elderly residents that had dementia didn't want to drink & also ate very poorly at times but loved the milkshakes I would make for them. Because they needed nutrition also, I would make them with Ensure, ice cream, & add Carnation Instant breakfast & a little Protein powder too. If your dad doesn't need the nutrition you wouldn't have to add all the extras in theirs. The wife didn't LIKE to drink water but she would take a sip most of the time when I asked her to but I had to remember to ask her to while I was busy performing other duties. I solved this while she was watching TV - whenever a commercial would come on I would ask her to take a drink so it became quite often this happened. It got to be a joke between us. All I had to say was "commercial" & she would take her glass & take a drink! I sure miss her & her husband - loved them very much!! I was their private caregiver for the last 2 years of their lives.
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Angela Adamcik Maybe you have a neighbor that can fill in as a Dr and give him instructions. Its for his own good to have a make believe Dr. You tell them what to say.
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Angela Adamcik you might try adding fruit-flavored drops to his water. They have all kinds of flavors. That helped both my mom and my husband to drink more liquids. I bought a large 32-oz. insulated lidded cup (from Walmart) that will stay cold all day. I have a tall washable foam straw that fits the opening. It has no handle, so it fits our car drink holder which makes it easier to carry anywhere. It’s been one of our best investments ever!
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Angela Adamcik , to prevent UTIs another thing you could try is capsules of D-Mannose and cranberry. My husband used to get frequent UTIs. For the last two years (and after he began taking those capsules) he hasn’t had a UTI.
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Sandy Boswell Yes! I checked with my doctor before starting these. She has a pharmacist in the office too. Both said "good stuff."
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My mother has not yet been diagnosed, but it is quite obvious that she has dementia.....or something similar. I am basically her only support system right now and I live 30 minutes away and work full time 45 minutes from where she lives. She has been caring for my father for the last 5 years. He had a massive stroke and is paralyzed. After a ton of convincing, she finally hired 12 hour/day care for him, but it's costing her a small fortune. She refuses to put him in long term care because she doesn't want to be alone and she doesn't want him to "rot in one of those places", but each time she has to make a payment she flips out over the cost and tells him he's going to have to go in a nursing home......only to change her tune minutes later that she's NOT putting him in one of those places. It's mentally exhausting to keep having the same conversation with her about this. She will NEVER willingly leave her home to go into assisted living or in a nursing home and my husband and I cannot quit our jobs to care for her and my father full time. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I could afford to quite my job and care for them both full time, I would do it in a heartbeat. Right now I am helping as much as I can, but I'm afraid it's not enough. The stress is taking it's toll on me. I am hoping to find a support group in the area.
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Lost12 I feel for you. I was in the same boat, and fought tooth and nail to get my Mom diagnosed at a time when no one else would or could acknowledge it. One thing I found very helpful was to change my mindset from asking her and having her participate and agree to things she could not understand to simply making arrangements that needed to happen and either telling her or simply guiding her through without telling her. Basically, I went from asking to telling, which was a leap, but it really helped. On some level, she will feel the relief of having someone step in and make the changes she is unable to make. Best of luck with all this. One day at a time.
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Phyllis Capanna
Thank you, Phyllis! I appreciate your advice. I have started to tell rather than ask. It’s necessary at this point. Sometimes she’s ok with it and sometimes I am the focus of her anger. She thinks I’m being bossy. One day at a time is right! It’s too sad to focus on the inevitable future.
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Lost12 Yes, I can relate to being the focus of her anger, too! My Mom complains and carps and makes lists of things she "needs," as if my only function in life is to supply her with things. I've had to really work on not taking it personally. She reserves her graciousness for others. It's maddening, but I have to remember, she is the one with dementia, and I am fortunately, able to live my life with faculties intact.
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Phyllis Capanna
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Lost12
Yes! Not always easy to remember, but at the end of the day...we are not the ones sick! ....at least not yet! Something else I worry about. I believe it is hereditary. I try to live every day very differently now. I appreciate the little things and try not to stress about the things I cannot control.
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Lost12, I understand your stress. My mother has dementia and we live together. I take care of her by myself and feel blessed to be able to most of the time. It can be really difficult when she becomes aggravated and is rude to me. Fortunately that doesn't happen all the time. I also can become aggravated when she is unable to do the simple things that she used to be able to do easily. I pray for strength and willingness every day and it helps. Most days are great. She stayed at a rehab/nursing home for a couple of months after leaving the hospital and she hated it. I did too. Sometimes she makes comments about not wanting to live or maybe going back to a nursing home but she doesn't mean it and those thoughts quickly go away. I just listen when she tells the same story over and over or talks about things that are not true. It would only upset her if I try to correct her. I finally at this stage of my life, realize that I don't have to be right. Nor do I need to tell her that she's wrong. Only if it would put her in danger do I need to correct her. If I can help it, she will never have to stay in a nursing home again. My prayers are with you and your family.
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Gail Caperton
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Lost12
Thank you, Gail. I appreciate your insight about learning to listen and not argue or correct your mother. I am learning to do the same. Unfortunately, since I am the one taking charge, i have become the focus of my mother’s anger. She doesn’t realize that something is seriously wrong and that she needs help. I have been taking her to doctor’s appointments to try and get to the bottom of her loss of memory and personality change. I hope we get the answers we need to make a plan on how best to move forward. Your mom is lucky to have you and that you are able to take care of her is a huge blessing. I know it requires a great deal of patience. I am still in my 40s and have quite a few years left before I can retire. I fear my mother WILL have to go into a nursing home and it beeaks my heart. She will never forgive my sister and me for putting her there. This brings me a lot of anxiety thinking about the future. I am trying to take one day at a time. It helps to talk to people like you who know and understand what I am going through. I think I will buy that book 360 that someone mentioned. I need to be as educated as I can moving forward. Good luck with your mom!
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Lost12 Make sure the doctor checks your mom for a bladder infection too! Patients (female and male) with dementia can also get more confused and their personalities can change and get worse when they have a bladder infection. Bladder infections can be more common in the elderly especially if they are unable to take care of their hygiene as well as they used to & if they don't drink as much as they should.
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BRENDA MCCANN
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I am a neighbor to a 58-year-old woman who has early onset alzheimers diagnosed 4-5 years ago). Her husband is a long-distance trucker who is gone for at least a week at a time and has no inclination to retire anytime soon. There is a nurse that comes to give her meds at 8 am and makes her breakfast, a home health care worker who comes at noon to put her lunch in the microwave and does the same at 4:30 for supper both times staying 10 minutes or less. So when the husband is gone, and she is by herself, she comes to my house when things go wrong. She is very much into a routine (and I know that is important) but when the TV service was off all day Sunday, she came over every 15 min to see if the tv is working yet. I have had to lock my doors so I can use the toilet, because she just walks in without ringing doorbell. Once she surprised me in bed (my husband had left early for work and not locked the door). I am glad that she has my house as a safe place when husband is on the road, but how much am I obligated to care for her? She often walks with me and my walking partner but does not say a word the entire hour; she often comes over very anxious and I can calm her down. The husband is not computer literate, so I cannot direct him to a website for help... I am unsure as to my involvement. I helped the husband find a local woman who comes to stay with her for 3-5 days a week, but she is not always available, and cannot be there 24/7, although she is very helpful. I am working from home since Covid, and am boss of my own time, but this weekend I am exhausted with continually having to deal with her and need to catch up on my own work. Not sure what my responsibilities are, as the husband is in denial, the adult son who lives half an hour a way wants dad to get her into an Intermediate care facility, but the husband says because of her attachment to her dog, and smoking, he doesn't want her to leave her home. While I have the capacity to deal with all her issues, I am not sure I should be. Any advice?
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Reno Anderson
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I think I am burned-out. I have been caring for my mother for over 10 years (she is 91 now). My mother is aggressive and mean (has always been that way), but now that she needs assistance it is terrible. If I suggest a bath, it is as if I declared war, don't try clipping toenails or fingernails, or cutting hair. She does let me clean her up after toileting and change her clothing. It is a cold war here and if either of us says a word it ends in angry, hurtful comments from her. I have bitten my tongue until I could scream. Responding in a rational tone only makes it worse so I say nothing. She does not act so with others but I am her only caretaker...no one else can or is willing. I live in the woods and there are no respite or aid workers out here. Have checked all the resources. About ready to put her in a home but then she has her dementia spells and doesn't know where she is and is afraid. I hate to think of her at a home, alone during those times. I am really tired. Words of wisdom?????
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Deborah Cox
You are, indeed, ready to burn out. What’s your Plan B if (or when) you collapse? Who will care for Mom then? One of you is headed for a nursing home. Right now, that’s for you to decide. Believe me, I say this from empathy for your situation, AND, esp...from experience. As a wise friend asked me, “Do I need to write you a permission slip to get help for you?”
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Leslie Menges
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Leslie Menges
Thank you for the advice! I hear you loud and clear and have begun steps for a potential Plan B. (and yes, I did need a permission slip to proceed 😔)
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Deborah Cox
So happy to hear this. Good for you and good for your mum! You’ll see!
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My mom lives with me so I am a 24/7 caregiver. I have had her since March 2020. When she came she could walk with her walker. She lost all mobility Nov 9 2020 plus she is incontinent plus dementia has gotten much worse. Every time I think of putting her in a nursing home I can't do it. I am 73 and wish I was stronger. The incontinence really gets to me. She is in a hospital bed in living room so she is not stuck in the bedroom. I have been reading these posts and they give me encouragement.
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Extremely helpful. Thanks for your help for caregivers issues. I was a caregiver for several years and I am now in early stages of dementia. Reading caregivers problems I can only see what many of my client were going through. I only hope I can retain that. Again THANKS.
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My husband has had dementia. Here are a few things I’ve discovered that have worked for me over the last several years. (First of all, full disclosure - we have had a wonderful, trusting relationship for 58 years. That helps in so many ways.)
1. Respect him as an adult. I treat him respectfully and listen to his concerns. (They’re real to him, even if they’re not true.) I try to understand what he’s really worried about, instead of what he thinks has happened. At one point he was upset because he thought I was paying attention to another man. (Totally ridiculous!) I told him there was nobody who could come within a thousand miles of comparison to him. I chose him the first time and I would do it again. That satisfied him. Another time he was sure we had another home and he wanted to go home. (We only have one.) He became very upset that I didn’t want to go home. So I told him I would drive him wherever he wanted me to take him. As soon as we got in the car, he was happy. He wanted me to take him to get a coke. That broke the spell. He was fine after that.
2. Treat him like a child.
a. Give him information he asks for, but don’t volunteer more than necessary. More information leads to more questions, etc. I always tell him the truth, no matter how difficult it is.b. Give information only shortly before it’s needed. Days are confusing and fear of forgetting something makes it stressful.
c. Only offer two choices, not multitudes. Decision-making is difficult for him.
d. When behavior is irritating, distract when you can. Watch a movie, read a book aloud together.
e. Give clear instructions. Sometimes he doesn’t do what is necessary because he can’t remember multiple things at once. “Honey, why don’t you pull your dish closer so you don’t spill it.”3. Relax and laugh a little - not at the person, but at the situation. My husband often remembers (after he’s asked me what today is for the 15th time) that he’s asked me before. I just laugh and say, “That’s ok. You’ve just got a whacked-out calendar.” The other day when he lost bladder control, I told him, “Don’t worry about it. When we get older, our bodies just don’t obey us like they used to!” He was so appreciative that I understood.
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I am knew and i believe my husband has dementia. He will not gety tested for it but his symptoms are all there. Personality change and mood issues and bathroom issues as well as other ones. He refused to sign hippa so our doctor cannot discuss anything with me and this has caused an issue. We have the same doctor so that really makes it hard. I mostly walk around the house on eggshells as i never know what will set him off. I have read the book the 36 hour day and it does help but no one else will listen to me.
