When I was in kindergarten--long ago--if you had a noticeable "accident" they would give you a clean pair of pants and thick cotton institutional diaper briefs (heavy-duty training pants) to wear underneath, that you got to wear home. I remember being thoroughly impressed by these--underwear that actually worked!--as I had to wear too-small hand-me-down briefs with an unmanageable fly (or too large, stained, holey) that did practically nothing. I was disappointed that I wasn't allowed to keep the diaper briefs, and ridiculed for wanting to. "Repeat offenders" were obliged to bring extra clothes from home to have on hand--a further embarrassment--and just having to go to the bathroom was frowned upon, so I learned to suppress urges--but at the cost of continual physical distress and diverted attention that was seen as "daydreaming." This continued through the rest of elementary school--you had to keep your shirt tucked-in at all times, so there was little chance of hiding anything, and bathroom breaks were scheduled--kids would be peeing on the floor as soon as they got in the bathroom door. Looking back, it's clear that I wasn't alone, that this predicament was fairly universal. Today kids are commonly diagnosed with ADHD and mercilessly drugged, without considering the option of offering them sensible underwear, or decriminalizing essential bodily functions. In some schools it's considered babyish for 6 or 7-year-olds to wear briefs instead of boxer shorts. It's as though our society mandates the early development of an unhealthy, sadomasochistic fixation on genitals and eliminatory functions in order to mold reliable consumers who will respond favorably to sexually-charged advertising while hating themselves and each other. There are many anxiety-stressed adults and kids who might feel comforted and reassured by wearing diapers or training pants--doctors should prescribe them, lol!--the cost would be less than the average pharmaceutical prescription, by far, whether one chooses reusables or disposables. I wear reusables as a matter of practical necessity, comfort, and cost. I have been able to find amazing discounts on very high quality products by searching online (that's how I got here) and much can be improvised at little or no cost. I find wearing them comforting and reassuring in the same way and for the same reasons I wear a serious bicycle helmet when I ride--knowing I can survive an accident without serious injury or embarrassment. I find washing reusables easy and satisfying (I wash dishes, too!) while I find having to dispose of disposables problematic and distressing--I'm zero-waste and always prepared. I used to wear a disposable pull-up to bed whenever I had eaten anything at a pot-luck, but Covid 19 put an end to pot-lucks, so I'm saving them in case the next pandemic is cholera.
I have had this fetish from the age of 4. I grew up knowing that I had to be the only one on earth who was so strange. I mean, who would ever want to like diapers?
When I was just a little boy I would sometimes cry, because I was afraid that I might have something really wrong with me.
And I knew I could never tell anyone else about my fears. Although I desperately wanted to confide in someone, I just didn’t trust anyone else enough that much. And I can’t even describe how it felt to be so alone and confused ...afraid of what was wrong with me. I mean, I had never heard of anyone else with my compulsion. So I tried to ignore it.
But as I got older, around 11 or 12 years old, I began to search for answers. And finding information wasn’t easy back then. It was long before google or the internet and I lived 20 miles from town, on a farm.
But every-so often, my mom would take us to the library in town and allow us kids to check out some books. Whenever we did, I spent a lot of time, attempting to find information about what was wrong with me.
Also, I had to be careful to not to let my brother or sister discover what I was hiding. So as a caution, I always had more than one book in my hands and I would find a table in the back of the library, where I could be safe to use the card catalog to look for any books by using references about diapers or unusual sexual desires or behaviors. I often did this for the duration my time in the library.
And I must have pages through a hundred psychology books, desperate to find anything that would help me to understand what the heck was happening to me. As I said, I had never heard of anyone else like me and I really believed I was somehow mentally damaged.
And this emotional baggage I kept hidden inside myself was considerable. I felt alone, ashamed, angry, confused, guilty, afraid and cheated out of having a normal life.
But after looking for information for a few years, I at least found a clue. It was in a book written by John Money called "Love Maps".
With my heart pounding, I must have read those few paragraphs repeatedly over a dozen times! I know it wasn’t much, but at least I found I wasn’t completely alone in the world with my desire to wear diapers!
I learned it was called a sexual paraphilia, a kind of deviant sexual compulsion that comes from early childhood experiences and because of that, it could never be changed.
Apparently it was hard-wired while my brain was still developing when I was still an infant.
I was a bit crestfallen because I had hoped perhaps to find a way to fix myself after I discovered what it was. But I did at least find some comfort with knowing that I wasn’t the only person on Earth that a compulsion to wear a diaper like a baby.
But I shouldn’t go into my entire struggle right now because I really just wanted to give a little background about my fetish before Asking my question.
Which is “why must I feel so much shame and guilt about having this stupid diaper fetish. I mean, I would have done anything, anything that was humanly possible to just have a chance to be normal like everyone else. I felt like a freak all through my childhood. And even now, I still carry this overwhelming feeling of injustice inside. After all, how could this be my fault? I was only a baby when this fetish was imprinted in my mind. Yet many people make it sound like it is my choice to just be a “sicko” or a “disgusting freak”. I’ve actually read posts online that said, “perverts like that need to be cured with a bullet to the head”. Or they think we are child molesters or want to be. Those statements hit me like a punch in the gut. And it really hurts to hear the negative comments despising people who are just different.
Even though I know that I shouldn’t let it bother me, it still hurts every time I read such posts.
I guess I just want to be understood a little. I never share this with anyone in the real world. But it is horrible to always keep this shame inside with nobody to talk to about it.
The truth is, I can't do anything about this compulsion to wear diapers but try to accept it. And that it is unlikely that I’ll meet anyone that would accept this part of me.
I just don’t know what to do about it? I know it is unrealistic to expect to change such a deeply ingrained fetish. And that I should just to learn to accept it and let go of my guilt and shame.
However, this is somewhat difficult to accomplish, given the aforementioned negative stigma people have with it.
Can I ever just be happy with who I am? If so, where do I begin?
I am sorry for getting so far into my problems, I hadn’t really planned to. Maybe I need to get some of this off my chest. Anyway thank you for reading.
Obviously you have given this a little thought. Lol
I appreciate the reply and I share a lot of the same observations about the state of things. Most people really don’t see things that way though. So I just don’t really get my hopes up to high when I comes to someone who gets me. But I’m used to going it alone anyway. It is much less painful than being rejected or discarded just for having a unusual need to wear a diaper. I accepted the fact that I probably won’t find a match, and I have some measure of peace with that.
I still have plenty of things to enjoy in life to make it worthwhile.
Thanks for taking the time to message me, you are a good person! 😃👍🏻